1. |
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I love the way you look when you get excited
It’s like popping a bottle of champagne
Your eyes light up like sunlight
Slipping through the trees after rain
You get this big wide grin that shows all your teeth
It makes the world seem so safe and happy
Makes me feel like I caught a sunbeam through a waterfall
Like i'm lucky to be looking at you at all
Your eyebrows go up a little bit
You bounce around like you’ve forgotten how to sit
You move your arms like you can’t control
The joy bubbling out of your soul
When you catch my eye in the middle of a laugh
It's a look that can’t be caught in a photograph
So
I hope you find something every day
That makes your face
Look that way
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2. |
Feeling So Alone
03:47
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Just humour me
Cause I’ll catch any validation I see
I’m insecure and self obsessed
Reach a finger into my chest
And
Just pull me out
Of this lonely town
I think my brain
Is just tryna keep me safe
So I won’t complain
But i'm so tired of feeling so alone
When I brought it on myself by giving up and going home
And
I have an image
Of a badass, take no shit woman
But as soon as I step outside
She’s gone
I’ll make no effort to connect
Just wanna stay in my safe little head
And I’ll pretend it's self preservation
But it's a little closer to destruction
And my self destructive tendencies
Destroy everyone around me
I think my brain
Is just tryna keep me safe
So I won’t complain
But i'm so tired of feeling so alone
When I brought it on myself by giving up and going home
And
I have an image
Of a badass, take no shit woman
But as soon as I step outside
She’s gone
So just tell me that you think I’m cool cus i’m scared you want me to leave the room
And I wanna look mysterious and in my zone
But I think I just look sad and alone
So I’ll go home and lie in bed
And wait for a redeeming text
That’s never gonna come
Cos we were all just having fun
And I wanna sing minor but i'm singing flat
And everyones talking behind my back
But I’m making that all up in my head
Cos I’m scared of my own fucking bed
And I want it to go away
I wanna feel okay
I'm so tired of feeling so alone
When I brought it on myself by giving up and going home
And
I have an image
Of a badass, take no shit woman
But as soon as I step outside
She’s gone
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3. |
Please
03:45
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Please, Please don’t leave
Cause I can’t stand it here alone
And when, when you leave
My heart twists into my bones
I know I should be a little more self dependant
But if I let your face slip away
There’ll be nothing to keep me safe from my brain
This is an ode to the thought of you
That I project everything onto
A costume for my issues
So I can pretend it’s just that I miss you
So please, please just stay
And pretend that we’re okay
Pretend that we’re old friends and not just strangers
Pretend that we are soulmates, not unfamiliar faces
With chemical compositions and no intuition
And I know it isn’t healthy to think this way
But if I let your face slip away
There’ll be nothing to keep me safe from my brain
This is an ode to the thought of you,
That I project everything onto
A costume for my issues,
So I can pretend it’s just that I miss you
Cos if I can think about you at night
Then missing you can be the reason I don’t feel alright
I know that you can’t save me I have to save myself, and I can’t save myself by saving you, and pretending it was what I was meant to do
I don’t know the difference between running away and just keeping myself safe
Please let me sleep at night without needing a shield in disguise
Please. Let me sleep at night.
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4. |
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you taste like honey and toothpaste,
and your eyes are softer than the moon
oh i could hold you all day
and not look at anything but you
and i haven't told you that i love you
even though its all i want to do
and i haven't told you that i need you
but i think you know that i love you
because i do
you see it in my eyes as we’re laying side by side
you feel it in how tight i hold your hand in mine
and what i really mean when i tell you i miss you
is i love you
i love you
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5. |
Ode To Bumble
00:13
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Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo da doo da doo doo doo doo doo da doo doO DOO deaugfjkrjihahahhaah
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6. |
Might Explode
02:17
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If I let one more person down I might explode
Oh I make way too many promises because I’m scared of being alone
And i'm so obsessed with how im perceived
That i'm never relaxed or just myself so no-one really knows me
And i'm so bored of being shit at conversation
If i wasn't me i’d leave me at the station
And i promise i like being around you
My brain’s just too slow to know how to show it
So just give me a year or two to stop overthinking
I promise deep down i'm a little more interesting
And I don’t know how to diffuse tension
I just sit and stare with a flat expression
And i'm SO BORED of being shit at conversation
If i wasn't me i’d leave me at the station
And i promise i like being around you
My brain’s just too slow to know how to show it
KAZOO
If i let one more person down i might explode
Oh i make way too many promises
Cus i’m scared of being alone
And i promise i like being around you
My brain’s just just too slow to know how to show it
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7. |
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8. |
Bedside Table - demo
03:03
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i think you would have been proud of me today
i think you would have thought i was brave
and you’d say:
"that's my girl, she’ll go far"
while you’re standing at the back of the bar
and i wanna tell you all the things you missed
i wanna know how much if it you wished
you’d say:
“Oh, I remember them. I'm glad you’re back in touch again.”
and i wanna make you all the meals i can cook now
want you to tell me what they need
I wanna show you all the people who stuck around
and tell you about the ones you never got to meet
i want you to know there’s things you would have liked to see
and how i wish you could have stuck around
to read the book unfinished on your bedside table
your bedside table
i hope you’re happy wherever you are
i hope you look down from whatever star
and i hope you can hear me when i say
you would have been proud of me today
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9. |
Wantable
02:10
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I realised the other day I just want to be wantable
And half the time i’m convinced that that’s improbable
Do you look at my lips when i'm not looking
Because I don’t think I’ve ever caught you staring
Even though i'm always looking at you
Do you even think about me too
And I want you to want me when the sun goes down
But you don’t even want me when i'm around
I cried over you for 3 days straight
It's embarrassing
And you’re never gonna know
And you’re never gonna ask me on a date
But I also realised the other day it's maybe mostly that I like your face
And I’ve never laughed with you as much as I do with my best friends
My jokes just sit in the air and take a while to condense
So please
Just fucking kiss me
I wanna know if I ever wanted you really
And I want you to want me when the sun goes down
But you don’t even want me when i'm around
I cried over you for 3 days straight
It's embarrassing
And you’re never gonna know
And you’re never gonna ask me on a date
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10. |
Death & Peppermint Tea
04:28
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I realised the other day I just want to be wantable
And half the time i’m convinced that that’s improbable
Do you look at my lips when i'm not looking
Because I don’t think I’ve ever caught you staring
Even though i'm always looking at you
Do you even think about me too
And I want you to want me when the sun goes down
But you don’t even want me when i'm around
I cried over you for 3 days straight
It's embarrassing
And you’re never gonna know
And you’re never gonna ask me on a date
But I also realised the other day it's maybe mostly that I like your face
And I’ve never laughed with you as much as I do with my best friends
My jokes just sit in the air and take a while to condense
So please
Just fucking kiss me
I wanna know if I ever wanted you really
And I want you to want me when the sun goes down
But you don’t even want me when i'm around
I cried over you for 3 days straight
It's embarrassing
And you’re never gonna know
And you’re never gonna ask me on a date
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11. |
Object Permanence
03:23
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Up up, down down, round & round, pull myself together again
Honey i think this time i need more than a friend
I need someone to hold me together through the day,
And sew me up down down my chest when things don’t go my way
But that's not a job i can give anyone
And i'm sorry to everyone i’ve tried to make become that
I only feel good when i cry
But that's probably a lie
Cus there's notes in my phone about warmth & happiness
So maybe i just have no object permanence
But when i’m down here I miss that feeling so much
It’s something i can see but never ever touch
It just sits up there and mocks me from the sky
Maybe i could find it if i got a little high
But i’ll just sit here in a puddle of sweat, I’ll sit
and pretend i’m not thinking about it
Dust dust, mould mould, sad holes hidden deep under my bed
I meant to clean it this week but I haven’t left my head
I wish someone could just come and clear everything out
But i’ll feel weird and uncomfy if i haven’t done it myself
So I'll just pull myself together
Crumble under the weight of self-made pressure
I only feel good when i cry
But that's probably a lie
Cus there’s notes in my phone about warmth & happiness
So maybe i just have no object permanence
But when i’m down here I miss that feeling so much
It’s something i can see but never ever touch
It just sits up there and mocks me from the sky
Maybe i could find it if i got a little high
But i’ll just sit here in a puddle of sweat, I’ll sit
and pretend i’m not thinking about it
Up up, down down round & round pull myself together again
honey I don’t know how this’ll ever end
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12. |
Not On Fire - demo
03:25
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i'm not on fire
she says she feels like she’s burning too
and i love her through and through
so take your brain and lie it next to mine
i know you feel insane but so do i
and i know you’re trying
so i’ll be kinder to myself
cause i dont think
we’re gonna burn in hell
if we walk different paths some day,
the anchored feeling might remain
cause you deserve to be known that way
so take your brain and lie it next to mine
i know you feel insane but so do i
and i know you’re trying
so i’ll be kinder to myself
cause i dont think
we’re gonna burn in hell
i know you’re scared, i know you can't escape it
but i swear you’ll make it out the cave some day
and i’ll love you either way
so take your shame and lie it next to mine
let it lose its weight in the clarity of light
oh let it rest
it doesn’t need to hurt you
know you’re trying your best
and it's all you can do
so listen to me
im being honest
we’re not on fire
i promise
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13. |
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The majority of interviews are from the members of YARD youth group in 2021. These are the main quotes in the track :)
“You can talk about anything (“anything!”) - what makes you happy?”
“What makes me happy is my family”
“...and then I like drawing because I’m really good at it”
“Probably getting a new book. (...I could go on about this one book series for hours and hours, it’s got so much diversity and stuff…)”
“It’s my birthday! But also the presents were just so well thought about..”
“She texted me to say ‘I got ice cream!’ And i just ran home”
“You know, like when you’re little.. Because when you’re older you have to organise things.. When you’re little and you just do things”
“My favourite character realised that he was immortal”
“When you hug someone - it’s like the warm feeling that kind of just flows through you, it’s amazing”
“When something cold is, like, going in your system, and it’s kinda like tingly, but it’s a nice soothing feel.”
“How I dress up and stuff as well, that makes me really happy”
“I would say one thing that makes me really happy and joyful is acting [...] you know you’re not gonna be alone”
“I don’t know, it’s weird cus it’s like little things that change your whole body - really random things that make you excited make me excited”
“And if I’m writing for myself I don’t have to worry about oh who’s gonna see this, who’s gonna do this to it - I just have to worry about does it make me happy and do I enjoy the story, which is most of the time a yes”
End clip - “Imagine if you just did that hahhaahhahah- this is a really good conversation I’m just gonna record you,hahahahhajbdf I hope you don’t mind hhahHhH”
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14. |
Feel Less Alone
02:37
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I think a part of me latched onto you years ago
Cos when you hold me I feel safer
Than anyone could ever know
Looking in your eyes feels like home
You make me feel like I don’t need to be alone
So I don’t wanna believe in the love of a God
When I can believe in you choosing to love me
And I don’t wanna believe in a higher power
When I can believe in you letting me take the first shower
And leaning on me like I feel like home
I don’t wanna need a God to feel less alone
You’ve watched me piss myself like 50 times and you still respect me
And that makes me feel more worthy of love than forgiveness from a deity
You walk me to my bus stop even though it’s cold and dark
And you hold me close when you can tell that I’m not feeling a part of the world
So I don’t wanna believe in the love of a God
When I can believe in you choosing to love me
And I don’t wanna believe in a higher power
When I can believe in you letting me take the first shower
And leaning on me like I feel like home
I don’t wanna need a God to feel less alone
You deserve to be known
I don’t wanna need a God to feel less alone
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Eleanor McGregor Nottingham, UK
I'm Eleanor - I've been playing gigs around Nottingham for the last couple of years and am working on my debut album which should be out by the end of 2023! For now you can get my demo ep :)
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